Early model Dodge Caravan and intermediate family member not required. Just find yourself an open stretch of highway, enable cruise control, have the female shimmy on over and let the greasing of your piston begin.
The one time Japan decides to not censor the genitals... they cast a girl with a Saarlac for a twat. Didn't see Return of the Jedi? Here's an alternative metaphor: Imagine Gene Simmons face, mouth ajar and tongue extended, reincarnated as Yoko Ono's twat. That ought to do it.
Congratulations. You just got simutaneously bulldozed up the ass and in the twat for a 1 time payment of $350. What will you ever do? A) 3 day stay at Disneyland. B) shopping spree at ROSS, dress for less or C) scar your grandmother for life. This ones easy.
Crash course on how to effectively turn your lady friend's choco taco into a permanently gaping meat cave, as illustrated by that sassy bitch from Seinfield. Invaluable information really.
The novelty of having a 10 inch cock sure does fade quick when the head of your penis looks like a Platypus LOL. Rotate your dick 90 degrees and run it over with your Monte Carlo. You'll be aight. Video from ANAL IN THE AMAZON.
Dude lasts as long in bed as DMX's acting career. Then tries to blame it on this Hispanic pornstar's supposedly tight pussy. 'Hispanic pornstar' and 'tight pussy'. Two words that really dont belong in the same sentence... but I digress.
This is Scarlett Pain. She's here to show you the after effects of scoffing down a #8 at Del Taco, extra chimichanga sauce. Except this visual demonstration kinda goes to shit towards the end. Quite literally I'm afraid.
This is Mika Tan. She actually has a degree in biochemistry but passed on a relevant career to instead pursue the better things in life... like being anally destroyed while drifting in and out of consciousness. NICE.
I love how the dude stops laughing and goes completely silent once he realizes his girlfriend wasn't joking about having an orgasm. Sorry Peter, your cock just got one-upped by a cheap carnival ride. HUMILIATION.
This is the story of Lara Roxx - a French Canadian who's career as a hardcore pornstar was derailed before it even began. She contracted HIV just after her first shoot - which involved taking 2 fat cocks up the ass simultaneously... aka "double anal"... aka just beggin for a blood transfusion.
A car full of Canadian hooligans armed with a VHS camcorder stumble upon a crackwhore that likes to show off the brown eye. Honestly... for someone that hasn't wiped their ass since 1993, her cornhole surprisingly didn't look all that bad.
These men have truly mastered the art of sexually harassing migrant workers. Bravo. But I do believe it's time to take that next step forward - The Ritz Carlton. All white maids with 34d titties. Make daddy proud.
Snowballing? Fuck that. I'd rather toss my girlfriend's salad directly after shitting out 2 pounds of kung pao chicken than be orally introduced to my own man jam. Too many calories bro.
This is why I carry a 12oz bottle of my mace in my center console. Rest stops are great for quick 'on the road' jackoff sessions but they're almost always laden with dirty old men looking to score free peep shows. If they want to see me make love to myself, they gotta pay... otherwise it's mace to the face.
Aye carumba! Nice elephant cock dood! But I forsee 1 little problem... the only creatures with big enough holes for you to fuck are large horses and gay pornstars who've been subjected to olympian gangbangs. Tough break bro!
