The Pink Taco

"IT HURTS?"

The Discomfort Zone

You know the deal: It's the height of the pandemic and funds are circling the drain. So you hit up the local videographers and offer your services to the highest bidder. I_CUM_HELLMANS hits up your DM's on Reddit and now the smell never washes off. GG NO RE

Hey Daddy, look what I can do!

Any college girl can pull off a DP, but to pull off near mythical feats of penetration you need a chick that's on a whole other level of promiscuous. Take Malibu Barbie over here, she can't even tell how many cocks are in her at any given time.

Most Ridiculous Orgasms Fucking Ever

I have a totally epic attraction like lol. only fuck you once under. Don't I ever include not a fucking internet return entry. so really serious like you know i love like you, only u r so easy living free.

MOTHER FUCKING T-REX!

Fun Fact: Herpetophiliacs Paleontologists don't really know how big a tyrannosaurus rex's penis actually was. Estimations are somewhere between 10 inches and 12 feet.

My First 18-year-old Escort

Some real memorable facial expressions in this one. Almost as if she can't believe someone would pay good money to hookup with a person possessing less sexual prowess than a New York City hotdog, and still achieve climax. 4/10; would penetrate again.

Friday Morning in California

Essentially this is a public service announcement on the cons and cons of touring San Fransisco. Some will live to tell the tale. Others will merge with Skid Row through osmosis. But all will learn the defintion of of "Ordering the Portuguese Breakfast".

Public Degeneracy Volume 5

So, this is the new standard for getting attention? Terrorizing unsuspecting civilians with your prescription flavored genitals and "oopsy'ing" ur way through milk toast sexual acts? Points for the self-awareness though. It adds a little depth to my upcoming biography aptly named: Sex, Drugs & Brain Damage

Cum Haters 2024C

It truly never ends. Let's just label this one the Shawshank Redemption of "wtf, your load tastes like Alan Greenspan's deceased asshole" Alan probably isn't actually dead, but I trust that the implied mental image is still effective. Game on.

Porn Scenes Worthy of an Oscar 2

Someone somewhere thought it would be really great to make a 70 minute porn film set in the Victorian era about a guy with a dick for a nose. Today we honor men like that and the amazing master-pieces of shit they produce.

Spitters and Quitters 4

While you're doom scrolling through your 407th video of brainrotted TikTok leftovers, these alpha females are out here doing something productive. Especially the victims of el diablo de la mayonesa seen around the 0:45 second mark. You two are clearly not the same.

The Cum MASTER

Real? Deceptive editing? The Goku of premature ejaculation? I don't have the answer this time. But just imagine if he went even further with this talent. Plan-B's entire industry would need emergency funding.