Were you also gifted the sexual prowess of a polar bear on methamphetamines at birth? Well that only leaves 1 path for you to take in life. So if you share this lady's disposition, consider alternatives to Tinder. I'm thinking Farmersonly, without the farmers. Feel me?
In today's episode of Things You Shouldn't Cram Up Your Asshole, we're being educated by a trio of goofys who had no backup plan when their gargantuan sex toy decided to swim into deeper waters. Dude's first response? "I'm gonna fuck it while it's in there". Pure poetry. [more here]
She pretty much aces the whole 'prostitute on camera' thing except for one small detail: This newbie pornstar's lady cum has a really unique... consistency.
You know the deal: It's the height of the pandemic and funds are circling the drain. So you hit up the local videographers and offer your services to the highest bidder. I_CUM_HELLMANS hits up your DM's on Reddit and now the smell never washes off. GG NO RE
Backpage's finest goes by "daddy's baby anal queen" and she aspires for greatness via her butthole. The only problem is she hates anal and her possibly worm-infested colon is so tight, it's like trying to fit an elephant in a Safeway bag.
I'm all for experimentation (specifically in Home Depot's garden accessories section), but for real... like Jerry's Final Thought real: Eventually this behavior is going to end up with a perforated colon the size of Gary Coleman and then it's GAME OVER YEEEEAAHH.
Consider this a 4 minute tutorial on why you should always stay away from those folks that consider a $50.00 Mernard's gift card a form of foreplay. Remember Norman Vincent's words: “Always shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll still land among the hepatitis."
Auto-fellaters, Braingasms and a straight up public service announcement fists should only be use in a boxing ring. Today's episode is more unforgiving than my local mall security that time I was discovered defecating in Anthropologie's Aromatic and Ambiance fragrance section.
